Speaking to the press ahead of England's friendly against Ghana, Fabio Capello mentioned how he had a discussion with Andy Carroll about the young striker's beer consumption. "I spoke with him privately. I think not only Andy likes to drink beer. Not only Andy. He needs to improve, to drink less," said Capello. The following is a transcript of what we imagine was said in that private conversation.
Capello: Andy -- what are you drinking?!
Carroll: What? Water!
Capello: That looks like beer! You drink too much beer!
Carroll: No -- look, see, it's clear -- it's water, I swear. I finished all the beer before training.
Capello: Andy, tell me. How often do you drink beer?
Carroll: I don't know. Maybe seven, eight days a week.
Capello: That's what I thought. And when you drink, how many beers do you drink?
Carroll: Um. How much beer fits in a bathtub? Like, one of the big ones.
Capello: Andy, you must stop this. You must drink less.
Carroll: Hahaha why?
Capello: Because it is not good!
Carroll: Actually, I quite like, boss. I think it's delicious.
Capello: See -- this is because of Kenny Dalglish. He is a bad influence on you! I see him taking you to depraved Boyzone concerts. Writhing around in your seats next to middle-aged women!
Carroll: OK, yeah, I admit that was pretty freaky. I think one of those ladies did something weird with my ponytail after I blacked out.
Capello: So you will stop drinking the beer?
Carroll: Depends. What can I drink instead?
Capello: Appletinis are nice. Zima, maybe.
Carroll: Zima? What's Zima?
Capello: Here, you try.
[Carroll chugs a warm Zima]
Carroll: Oh God! It tastes like fizzy water that an old man gargled with after taking out his teeth!
Capello: Yes. It's nice, isn't it? You will stop drinking beer now?
Carroll: Fine. But I'm not drinking that. I'll just stick to whiskey and vodka.
Capello: Excellent. Very wise decision, Andy. Very wise.
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