There is no escape.
With both Real Madrid and Barcelona confirming their advancement to a date in the Champions League semifinals with each other, they've set the schedule for four matches against each other over an 18 day span. Sure, that may sound great now, but just you wait. This is the descent into complete mental breakdown that you're in for as the Clasicos pile up and become an ubiquitous force in your life.
Real Madrid v Barcelona, April 16 at the Santiago Bernabeu (league match) -- This is so exciting! Yeah, Barcelona pretty much have yet another La Liga title all wrapped up, but it's their first meeting since Barca heaped on the embarrassment with a 5-0 win back in November. Will Jose Mourinho get his revenge? Will there be more fights and short tempers? Will Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi have the goal-scoring duel that everyone has been waiting for? Can I possibly be more excited for the start of this epic series of matches that will prompt me to reproduce just so I can one day tell my grandkids about it? I think not!!!!
Real Madrid v Barcelona, April 20 at the Mestalla (Copa del Rey final) -- OK. It's only been four days since the last Clasico and I'm kind of not quite as excited. Maybe I'll put off that reproducing business a little while. But this is the Copa del Rey final! This is important! There's a trophy on the line and both sides want it. I bet Mourinho will literally rub Pep Guardiola's face in it if he wins. And if Pep wins, he'll probably start levitating and his halo will become visible to the naked eye. This will definitely be the Ronaldo v Messi goal-scoring duel that everyone has been waiting for. Maybe I should eat something. It's been a few days since the last time I did that...
Real Madrid v Barcelona, April 27 at the Santiago Bernabeu (Champions League semifinal, first leg) -- Two down, two to go. And both of them are Champions League semifinal matches. That's not as awesome as the final, but...still pretty good! Why do I smell like a zoo? Definitely not going to have kids for at least another decade. The atmosphere in this match will be dangerous. Dangerous! They've played each other so much that the slightest glance will probably spark a 22-man fight to the death. I wonder if all the other football clubs of the world stopped existing. What happened to my clothes? Who are these people using my closet as a bathroom?
Barcelona v Real Madrid, May 3 at the Camp Nou (Champions League semifinal, second leg) -- This is it. The last one. I think I'm crying but my face is covered in some kind of slime so I can't tell for sure. Had to throw the phone out the window to stop it from ringing. What's my name? Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique are my children now. The hallucinations are now indistinguishable from reality and it's wonderful. Why did I never think to eat coins before? I think I'm passing out now. This has been the greatest 18 days of my life. The four horsemen are telling me that these are the end times and that my dry cleaning has been ready for pick up. Shakira is singing so loud that my ears are bleeding. It's all so glorious. Waka waka eh eh! Waka. Waka. Eh. Eh!
Photo: Getty Images
No comments:
Post a Comment