Andrei Arshavin
Hahaha no one else understands that sitting next to the toilet is the best seat. I am like the toilet troll! ... I blame Bendtner for the Newcastle comeback. ... At halftime he said we had "nothing to worry about" and then he started tongue kissing his mirror until Wenger made him stop. ... Hahaha Bendtner. ... I wish that those men -- Andy Gray and Richard Keys -- would write a book of jokes about women so I could buy it. ... Chrome. ... If Cesc is taking my picture right now, I will hire my son Artom to steal his Barca blood...
Chicharito
Time to dispose of the bodies!
Juan Iturbe
I have no idea how many people are on top of me right now, but it feels like a lot. ... Or maybe it's just a couple people plus one of those really fat guys that has to get cut out of his house to go to the doctor. ... Still, I scored and for that I will be happy until my spleen is flattened like a jellyfish under a tractor. ... It was weird that when Messi heard people comparing me to him, he sent me a box of Lego toys. ... OK, I can't feel anything below my eyes. This is probably bad...
Didier Drogba
Time for the disgraces. ... First, Chelsea lost to Liverpool and everyone said Torres was worse than he was. That was a total f***ing disgrace, but one that thankfully distracted from my own shortcomings! ... Then, I returned to the Ivory Coast team and no one shouted "welcome back, Didier!" or got me a sheet cake. That was a disappointing f***ing disgrace! ... Then, Kalou kept telling everyone that everyone at Chelsea likes him more than me since he is a better dancer. This is a lying f***ing disgrace and he is not a better dancer than me! ... Then, my friend Gerry who was supposed to feed Kitier Katba while I was gone fed him McNuggets. That is a dietary f***ing disgrace! ... Then, there were those times those two bald referees who probably try to draw genitalia on your face when you sleep cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...
Photos: Cesc Fabregas, Reuters, Getty
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