AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. BOREDOM -- I GOT BORED SO I PUT ON MY KIT AND SURPRISED A TEAM OF LOCAL CHILDREN BY PLAYING IN GOAL FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY WERE AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONE OF THEM KNEW HOW TO POSITION THEMSELVES LIKE A PROFESSIONAL AND I HAD TO SCREAM SO MUCH THAT I'M PRETTY SURE I POPPED SOMETHING IN MY NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN WHEN I GAVE UP A GOAL THEY ALL LAUGHED AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. HIPSTER JOEY BARTON -- I HATE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE COOLER THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SLAP THEIR STUPID SUNGLASSES OFF THEIR FACE BUT I WANT TO DO THAT TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T COOLER THAN ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DID GOD MAKE SLAPPING SO MUCH FUN!?!?!??!!?!?!??!??!?!?!
3. ERIC HASSLI'S WONDER GOAL -- IF HE DID THAT TO ME I WOULD ASK HIM TO APOLOGIZE AND THEN I WOULD HEADBUTT MY OWN GOAL UNTIL IT TURNED TO A CHALKY DUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT HE WOULD FEEL BAD FOR ME AND I WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS PITY BY PICKING HIM UP AND THROWING HIM INTO THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO ONE EVER SEES THAT COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. CORN -- I SAW A MAN EATING CORN IN A RESTAURANT ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! AFTER I FINISHED THE DELICIOUS DINNER THAT I BROUGHT MYSELF BECAUSE TOO MANY RESTAURANTS DO NOT SERVE PLASTIC GRAPES OR MOTOR OIL BASED SAUCES I WENT UP TO HIM AND QUIETLY SCREAMED IN HIS FACE THAT THE CORN HE WAS ENJOYING WOULD ONE DAY RISE UP AND FORCE HIS CHILDREN TO SERVE AS UNPAID NANNIES FOR THEIR CORN BABIES AND IT WOULD BE AWFUL!!!!!!!!! THEN HE SAID HE AND HIS WIFE WEREN'T ABLE TO HAVE KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!! I PAID FOR HIS DINNER AND CURSED THE CORN FOR TRICKING ME INTO SUCH AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. MARTIN PALERMO'S CAPE -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT ONE OF THESE SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT INSTEAD OF TERRIBLE DESIGNS BY UNTALENTED YOUTHS MINE WOULD FEATURE IMAGES OF RABID SQURRELS AN OLD PERSON WITH TUBERCULOSIS AND ACTUAL FLAMES!!!!!!!! THE FLAMES WOULD COMPLETELY DESTROY IT IN A MATTER OF SECONDS BUT THOSE WOULD BE THE BEST SECONDS OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. WAYNE ROONEY SINGING KARAOKE -- NEEDS MORE TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. JIMMY FONTANA -- SERIE A IS NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO COMICALLY UNSTABLE GOALKEEPERS FONTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT SEASON THERE WILL BE BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR AT LEAST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GLANCES!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. CHILE PLAYERS STRIPPING THEIR TEAMMATE IN PUBLIC -- THIS IS CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ONCE HAD A NIGHTMARE WHERE I WAS IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS EXCEPTION INSTEAD OF TEAMMATES THEY WERE DEMONS AND INSTEAD OF TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES THEY WERE FORCING ME TO PUT THEM BACK ON AND INSTEAD OF IT BEING A DREAM IT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAKE IN A KFC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KFC IS A WEIRD PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- DAN AND HIS GOOBER KIDS WENT TO THE BEACH FOR THE WEEK SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS FANTASTIC EXCEPT FOR WHEN I HAD TO THINK OF HOW HE ANNOYED ME THIS WEEK SO I COULD FINISH MY RAGE LIST AND I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING BECAUSE HE WASN'T HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLEARLY THIS WAS HIS PLAN ALL ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE ONE OF HIS GOOBER KIDS STEPS IN A JELLY FISH BUT NOT ONE OF THE KINDS THAT STINGS YOU BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MEAN AND I'M NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
Photo: Getty
Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/Artur-Boruc-s-Friday-Rage-List?urn=sow-wp2574
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