Theo Walcott
Why do I always have to get hurt? ... Maybe I should go play in Spain or something. ... At least Cesc and Robin hang out with me in the physio's room. They're nice. ... I wish Arsene would just agree to let me replace my body with a stainless steel exoskeleton, complete with assault rifles, a stereo that plays the Karate Kid soundtrack on a loop and a Stoke defense system. That would be awesome. ... Oh well, just means more time to write my children's books. I'm coming for you, J.K. Rowling. Watch out for my stretcher...
Christian Gimenez
I've seen enough Jean Claude Van Damme films to realize that this will not end well for me. ... Monaco Forever was the best...
Pato
The shirt -- the shirt is attacking me! ... This is awful! ... Why is van Bommel cheering it on?! ... God, that guy is a turd! ... This shirt is an intelligent adversary. It has successfully disabled both my head and my hands. ... Why is van Bommel telling the shirt to kick me in the groin?! ... If I wasn't about to lose consciousness right now, I would hire Gattuso to headbutt his dad...
Didier Drogba
Time for the disgraces. ... First, Anelka got to start against Copenhagen and scored two goals after missing another important penalty kick. That's an insulting f***ing disgrace. ... Then, our match against Birmingham on Saturday got postponed because they are in the Carling Cup final. That's a disappointing f***ing disgrace. ... Then Kalou invited me to his place to watch and said that if I come I have to bring 30 McNuggets for him and his friends. That's a rude f***ing disgrace. ... Then he also said Kitier Katba can't come unless I promise he won't try to eat Katou's tail. That's an impossible f***ing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those two bald referees who probably prank call orphans cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...
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