AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:
1. FRIDAY -- WHY DID THAT LITTLE GIRL HAVE TO GO AND RUIN FRIDAYS FOR ME?!?!?!??!?!???!! WHY COULDN'T SHE SING AN AWFUL SONG ABOUT TUESDAYS INSTEAD?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NO ONE CARES IF YOU RUIN TUESDAYS BUT NOW EVERY FRIDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL BE PREOCCUPIED WITH THOUGHTS OF FRONT SEATS AND BACK SEATS ALONG WITH THE DESTRUCTIVE NATURE OF CELEBRITY CULTURE ON TODAY'S YOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHO PRINTED MY NAME ON MY GLOVE??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
2. STEFAN RADU'S HEADBUTT -- AS A CONNOISSEUR OF HEADBUTTS I FIND THIS VERY OFFENSIVE!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO HEADBUTT SOMEONE YOU DO IT LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO POP THEIR SKULL LIKE A WET PINATA AND NOT LIKE YOU WANT TO QUICKLY ESKIMO KISS THEIR SIDEBURN!!!!!!!!!!! BUT HEAD VIOLENCE IS WRONG AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU ENGAGING IN IT I WILL SLAM MY CHIN INTO YOUR EAR WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SPIDER MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!
3. ADEBAYOR CUTTING HIS HAIR TO FIT IN AT REAL MADRID -- I HAVE TO BE HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALMOST CUT MY HAIR TO FIT IN BETTER AT FIORENTINA TOO!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN RICCARDO MONTOLIVO TOLD ME THAT CONSTANTLY SCREAMING AT EVERYONE WAS MORE OF A PROBLEM THAN MY HAIR SO I DECIDED NOT TO CUT IT!!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD I YELLED INTO HIS EYE SOCKET UNTIL MY THROAT STARTED TO HURT AND HE WALKED AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH MAKING NEW FRIENDS IS SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. CORN -- SOMEONE PLAYED A JOKE ON ME THIS WEEK AND SAID THE ITALIAN GOVERNMENT HAS STARTED PUTTING CORN IN THE DRINKING WATER!!!!!!!!!!!! I ONLY FOUND OUT IT WASN'T TRUE AFTER I CUT OFF THE WATER FLOW TO MY TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!! YES I SAID TOILET!!!!!!!!! SOMETIMES I GET THIRSTY IN THE BATHROOM AND THE BLUE WATER BECOMES IRRESISTIBLE!!!!!!!!! STOP JUDGING ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON!!!!!!!!!!
5. PIQUE KISSING SHAKIRA -- I DON'T CARE IF PIQUE KISSES SHAKIRA BUT IF HE KISSES ANY OTHER FEMALE SINGERS LIKE OH I DON'T KNOW TAYLOR SWIFT I WILL BE FORCED TO MAKE HIM BLEED IN A FASHION THAT COULD BE DESCRIBED AS PROFUSE!!!!!!!!!! THIS WOULD ONLY BE SLIGHTLY MORE THAN HE BLEEDS NOW BUT IT'S HARD TO KISS PEOPLE WHEN BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR BODY FROM ALL ANGLES!!!!!!!! TRUST ME ON THAT ONE!!!!!!!!!!
6. GAZZETTA'S PRE-MATCH PRANK -- WEARING A SWIM CAP AND SLOW DANCING WITH PRETENDING TO FIGHT YOUR TEAMMATES WITH AN INVISIBLE SWORD AS A PRE-MATCH WARMUP IS NOT THAT WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT RICCARDO MONTOLIVO SAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT RICCARDO I WILL YELL IN YOUR EYES AGAIN SHOULD YOU EVER CHOOSE TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I HOPE YOU DO!!!!!!!!!
7. CHAD OCHOCINCO'S MLS TRIAL -- ONE TIME I CONSIDERED PLAYING AMERICAN FOOTBALL BUT THEY SAID I COULDN'T PLAY WITHOUT PADS AND THERE IS NO SUCH POSITION AS A MURDERBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME SO NOW I REFER TO THE SUPER BOWL EXCLUSIVELY AS THE POOP BASKET!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PEOPLE SAY THAT SOUNDS FUNNY BUT IT'S INTENDED TO BE A SERIOUS INSULT!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. AEK GOALKEEPER HIT BY A FLARE -- OHMYGOD I AM SO JEALOUS OF THAT GUY!!!!!!!!!! WHY DON'T OPPOSING FANS THROW FLARES AT ME?!??!???!?!?! INSTEAD I HAVE TO THROW FLARES AT MYSELF AND PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY WHEN I DO IT!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN I DO IT IN A LIBRARY OR AT A GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WOULDN'T LET ME GET A PAP SMEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI WENT BACK TO GLASGOW TO TAKE CARE OF SOME ISSUES RELATING TO HIS DEMON SPAWN EX-WIFE AND HE LEFT HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS WITH ME WHILE HE'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BEEN EVEN MORE AWFUL THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!! ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT THEY ASKED ME TO READ THEM A BEDTIME STORY BUT THE ONLY BOOKS I HAVE ARE ENCYCLOPEDIAS ABOUT BURNS SO I HAD TO MAKE ONE UP!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM A STORY ABOUT A POLISH GOALKEEPER NAMED AMADEJ!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WAS FINISHED THEY BOTH SAID IT WAS GOOD BUT IT WAS A LOT LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!! I SAID "THANK YOU I WILL TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT TO MY STORY TELLING ABILITIES!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I HOPED THEY WOULD HAVE ENDLESS NIGHTMARES FROM WHICH THEY CAN NEVER AWAKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT MORNING I MADE PANCAKES FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN GETS BACK HERE BEFORE I HAVE TO START READING TO THEM ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF RUG BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!
Photo: Getty Images
Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/Artur-Boruc-s-Friday-Rage-List?urn=sow-wp155
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